?poetry?

[Birdhead]

That's sad. But it has a great last line, it rings in my head.
OK, I swear I'd never do this, just because, but I wrote this last night and it's not quite right. Does anyone want to tell me why, or offer an opinion of any description? (it also needs a title...)

When the hermit crab
outgrows its shell
it can no longer live and must venture
outside
finding some new space to live in...

Chinese women used to wrap their feet
in cloth that bound.
Their bones would shatter
their toes curl and snarl
in a desperate attempt to keep them small and
they could no longer walk

i wish never to
break the bones of my mind
for fear of trying on
new
shoes.

Oh, maybe that's the title... New Shoes. Or not. Anyway, criticsm (constructive and otherwise) gratefully accepted.

"We are philosophical geniuses [sic] who will one day rule the world!"
--Agent M
Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha!

[Rysade]

That is a really great concept. You're right, though. There does seem to be something a bit ... off about it. I'll think about it.

--Dai Stihó

Bishie
'Mancer
Foam Poet
"It was a bad line and a prank call, someone spouting insane babble; I couldn't make sense of it. But I had an overwhelmeing sense of deja vu, and the caller's voice sounded oddly familiar."

[Birdhead]

Thanks.

"We are philosophical geniuses [sic] who will one day rule the world!"
--Agent M
Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha!

[brokencello]

I think it's good. It needs more connection is all...more of a flow. Unless, of course, you prefer jagged poetry. even so, it needs a slight more rhythm? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

brokencello
the crinkled paper bag
"Life isn't like the movies, Toto."
--Alfredo, Cinema Paradiso

[Birdhead]

*nods* thanks, I'll think about that... it's not really supposed to be in any meter, but I see what you mean.

"We are philosophical geniuses [sic] who will one day rule the world!"
--Agent M
Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha!

[brokencello]

Good. I mean, even poems without meter need a little rhythm. Or else everything we said would be poetry...which kind of is true....but kind of isn't...but it is! No wait. Shoot. Why did I have to go and muddle this post! Prats...

brokencello
the crinkled paper bag
"Life isn't like the movies, Toto."
--Alfredo, Cinema Paradiso

[Birdhead]

it's not true, I don't think, that everything we say is poetry. On the other hand, nor do I believe it's neccesary for all peotry to ahvea rhythm. I just think it can be useful, purely as a shorthand.

Maybe anything we say _can_ be poetry.

"We are philosophical geniuses [sic] who will one day rule the world!"
--Agent M
Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha!

[brokencello]

Sure it can.
Rough poetry
But poetry nonetheless
This is poetry
This is my tongue
The true poet
Does not write poems
But writes themself

brokencello
the crinkled paper bag
"Life isn't like the movies, Toto."
--Alfredo, Cinema Paradiso

closer to the fact would be

true poets do not write poems, but let the poems write them

[brokencello]

Well. Yeah, but I had about four seconds until my meeting with other closet delegates, so...YES YOU DID BETTER THAN ME~!!!!! You know, I feel really sad right now. I tried. And I was wrong. There goes another. Fref. Or something. I thought...well, I guess I was wrong about him. So nevermind. *brokenheart*

brokencello
the crinkled paper bag
"Life isn't like the movies, Toto."
--Alfredo, Cinema Paradiso

[Birdhead]

*hugs bc* Don't feel down! I thought it was really good, though I also liked hallie's... you seem to be having a bad month. Hope things get better for you, and we're all here to listen...

"We are philosophical geniuses [sic] who will one day rule the world!"
--Agent M
Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha!

[brokencello]

I wrote this before, it got deleted. My fault. But i feel...
A wink at me
And a frown at her
Was how you drilled into my heart
And a hug for me
And a raised eyebrow for her
Was how you kept your place there
Until those screams
Those shrieks
Those yells
Occurred
Because of you
You were cruel
And I was blind
Because of that wink
And because of that hug
And now when we pass
You're still so friendly
And I almost want
To go back again
But deep inside
I remember
How you were
And to resist
Coming back for you
I crawl home
Past my door
Lock myself in
Lock you out
You can't touch me now.

brokencello
the crinkled paper bag
"Life isn't like the movies, Toto."
--Alfredo, Cinema Paradiso

[Birdhead]

I like that a lot. The first five lines are very cool. *nods*

"We are philosophical geniuses [sic] who will one day rule the world!"
--Agent M
Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha!

[brokencello]

Thanks. But the thing is, I don't write poems. I write me. And that's true. Which is why i am so sad. I don't feel good. Kind of a mass of jumbles inside me. Maybe it's just the Dido songs.

brokencello
the crinkled paper bag
"Life isn't like the movies, Toto."
--Alfredo, Cinema Paradiso

[Birdhead]

Aw, bc. *hugs*
As for Dido, well, she does tend towards the depressing, doesn't she?
"When you are stoned, baby/ and I am drunk/ and we make love/ it seems a little desolate."
Yeah, not exactly uplifting...

As for poetry... I don't know. I guess it's impossible to write anything that isn't, at least in part, yourself... and when you're sad it's hard to write happy stuff, and vice versa. But I think that, while some of what I write is me chanelling either extreme anger (like one I wrote called Joanne, when someone made a comment to me that made me SO ANGRY. God. Just thinking about it I start getting angry again.) or unhappiness, sometimes it's just because I see something and... write it down, jsut because. And I think the second stuff tends to be the better stuff, dunno why... for example, I wrote a poem about grief that I've been told is excellent. But I couldn't say that I've ever experienced grief, only second hand. So... *shrugs*

"We are philosophical geniuses [sic] who will one day rule the world!"
--Agent M
Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha, Ahahahaha!