Joke Time!

[EWizard11]

Just in case we don't amuse each other enough just talking generally, I'd like the present the Joke Time topic. This is where you can post jokes and riddles that you believe will amuse your fellow forum members.

Please:

NO inside jokes with a small number of people on the forums, or with your friends IRL. They're not funny to anyone not included, and they don't make sense if you're not included.

Nothing really dirty please.

Nothing offensive. If you think that a joke is going to offend a person or a group of people, please don't post it. We don't want any bad feelings here.

Please don't post just one short joke at a time. Wait until you have at least three before you post. One joke=oneliner=BAD.

Please white out the answers to riddles so that people can take their time to think about them.

Thanks everyone, and have fun! To start off:

These two men are drinking in a bar on the 55th floor of a building. One of them says to the other, "Hey, I bet I can jump out that window there and then come right back up to the bar alive." So he jumps out the window and comes back to the bar alive. The second man says, "Well, if you can do it, I can do it too," and he jumps out the window and dies. And the bartender says, "Superman, you're such a jerk when you're drunk!"

[Birdhead]

*grins* Oh, excellent, just the place to share a few jokes I heard the other day...

The Following Content May Be Inappropriate for Non-musicians, Trombone Players, Other Small Children and Village Idiots.
Disclaimer: I play both the viola and the violin. I've been a second, I've been a first. I'm allowed. But I have no excuse for the trombone one: Thanks, Oliver. Also, if you don't play in an orchestra, you really won't get any of these. it's normal. Go learn an instrument.

The Djinn and the Violist
So, once upon a time there was a violist who sat in the back desk of a city orchestra somewhere; not a bad orchestra but nothing truly mindblowing. One day, walking along a beach, he finds a bottle, picks it up, and bah-dah-bing, bah-dah-boom, out pops a djinn, who offers the viola player three wishes. (Like you didn't see that coming.) So, he's fairly stoked and the first wish he makes is this:
"I want to be a better viola player!"
"Okay," replies the djinn, and sure enough the next morning when the violidst goes to work he finds himself sitting in the front desk of the violas. This is fun, but by the end of the day, the viola player wants to be a bit better.

So that night, the violist asks the djinn to make him the best viola player in the world.
"Okay," said the djinn, and the next morning when the violist went to work he found himself in the front desk of the berlin Philharmonice (insert your favourite famous orchestra here if you prefer.)

But... at the end of the day, the violist still isn't happy being the best violist in the whole world. So he asks the djinn that night fors his last wish:
"I want to be an even BETTER violist."
For the first time, the dijinn looks uncertain.
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes, of course I'm sure!"
"Sure-sure?"
"Yes!"
"It's a bad idea, I'm warning you..."
"Just do it already!"
So the djinn acquiesced, snapped his fingers, and then left. But the next morning, when the violist went to work, he found himself sitting...
... in the orchestra he started in, at the back of the second violinists.

Insturment jokes. I love these.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A: there isn't one: Violins just looks smaller because violinists have swollen heads.

Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So that violinists can understand them.

Q:Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
A:By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Q: Why shouldn't you drive of a cliff in a car with hree trombones in it?
A: because you could fit more in.

Qid you hear about the violist who played in tune?
A:Neither did I.

Q: A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
A:The conductor. Business before pleasure.

*giggles* That's enough for now. But Ella, I hope I'm no disqualified for offending people; after all, I didn't shere the one about the second violins. that one's just cruel.

[EWizard11]

Nah, you're not disqualified. *giggles* Me likes those jokes. Especially the trombone one...*giggles harder*

Okay:

Q: What's green and brown, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A: A pool table.

Q: What's wrinkled and has a trunk?
A: Grandma on vacation.

Q: What's Irish and sits on the porch?
A: Patty O'Furniture. [Patio furniture? Get it?...]

Ahahahaha....

[vegan_chick]

Will a pool table really kill you if it falls out of a tree? or only if it falls on top of you?

Q: How do you get holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it

Q:why do gorrillas have big nostrils?
A: because they have big fingers

Q:what's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A:One means pause at the end of a clause and he other means claws at the end of paws.

[nitafan211]

ROFL!!! Vry good guys. Tui, I play Viola! Those were soooo funny! Hmm, I am trying to think of some jokes....okays, I will come back in a few with good jokes! *goes to find Chani*

[Birdhead]

*dies* Ella, those are just the WORST jokes! *is giggling*

I'm glad you liked the trombone one. So did I. I just found an impossibly super-complete site with ALL the insturment jokes in the world on it here, but beware: one or two of them are a little... crude. Some parents may not approve, though as I recall there's no actual swearing... just a lot of, uhm, uhm, crudeness. Yes. Fairly amazingly, they have all of the ones I heard on there too- some with different wording- which sort of blows my mind, because I heard them all from other musicians here, and that's an American site. Um, they have jokes for ALL the instruments there. there are so many viola jokes they have their own page...

ETA: just checked, and I don't think there are actual dirty words... but, um, to get some of the jokes you have to use Spoonerisms (swapping the first letters of two different words, like, um, "can you get the fives and knorks please?")... and, er, then there are. Just though I ought to mention that.

[Chani]

Jokes I found. (Trying to make them appropriate for young viewers.. )



Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.

It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. --quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist, ask him/her to discuss the following words: 1) mole 2) unionized. As he so eloquently put it, "If he starts talking about furry animals and organized labor, keep walking."

Definition: (Fe)male: Male with iron added, for greater strength, ductility, and magnetisim.

Q: What do you get when you combine Al Gore with O2?
A: Oxymoron

Q: What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.

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If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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News Headlines:

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Eye Drops off Shelf
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply



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Okay.. that was just a few of the ones that I found... Post more next week.

[nitafan211]

ROFL!! ROFL!!! ROFL!! ROFL!!! ROFL!! ROFL!! Those were great! I love the news headlines!

[Angel_Star]

Those are so funny! I have a joke, but it's kind of not very funny. It's a band joke... Let me see if I can remember it.

A band was traveling in a bus. The bus fell off a cliff. All in all twenty musicians and five percussionists died.

It's not that funny, <span class="ev_code_WHITE">its saying that percussionists aren't musicians.</span> I thought it was funny when I first heard it. I'm not sure about the numbers, I just put those in.

[Cress]

Vegan Chick, I love the avie! Lesee *digs out the pretty good joke book*
What's red and green and goes fifty miles per hour?
A frog in a blender
What's the perfect pitch?
When you throw the banjo and it lands on top of the accordian in the dumpster.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Do you guys know about Sven and Olie? or do you have different regional jokes?

[EWizard11]

What are Sven and Olie?

I like stupid jokes. Like this one:
Q: How are a giraffe and a red bucket similar?
A: They're both red, except for the giraffe.

*laughs* I love jokes like that.

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

And then there's jokes like this:
So there's an Inuk (Eskimo) in his kayak in the Arctic Sea. He's getting pretty cold, and so he tries to light a fire in his kayak. However, the fire burns a hole in the boat and it sinks and he drowns.
Moral: You can't have your kayak and heat it too!

[Cress]

Sven and Olie are kind of a Minnesotan thing. We have jokes about them. They're best friends. like this one
Sven and Olie went fishing one day. They caught a lot in one spot, so when they left for the day, Olie said,"I made a mark on the bottom of the boat so that we'll know where the good fishing area is the next time we go fishing,"
and Sven replied "Olie, you idiot, how do you know if we'll get the same boat next time?"

[Chani]

A band was traveling in a bus. The bus fell off a cliff. All in all twenty musicians and five percussionists died.

I got it.... They said that there were twenty musicians and 5 percussionists... meaning that percussionists aren't musicians... not very nice, but sorta funny in a round about way.

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Okay.. now back to jokes.

Theorem: 4 = 5
Proof:
-20 = -20
16 - 36 = 25 - 45
4^2 - 9*4 = 5^2 - 9*5
4^2 - 9*4 + 81/4 = 5^2 - 9*5 + 81/4
(4 - 9/2)^2 = (5 - 9/2)^2
4 - 9/2 = 5 - 9/2
4 = 5
-----------------------------------

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.

Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.

From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

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A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic.

"Hey, don't worry, it's just every 10000th flight that crashes."

"1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!"

"Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It's much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared.

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Answering Machine Message

Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.

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Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

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It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice...

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If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

[Cress]

Those are brilliant! ROFL! Darn it, I can't find my joke book. Petty annoyances!
Knock Knock
Who's there
Boo
Boo who?
Don't cry it's only a joke

Only the stupidest, oldest joke in the history of the universe, but who cares!

[Chani]